I’m Not Okay: My Antidepressants Experience | Mental Health

TW: depression

It’s been a while. There’s a new layout, I’ve got a tonne of post ideas, and lots of cool pictures to share. So…what’s holding me up?

If you guessed it had something to do with the post title, then ding ding ding, you’re right, go get yourself a cookie, you’ve earned it.

…here’s the thing.
Life is really good, right now. I have a job I like, I’m finally able to start getting together some savings, I have time to see my friends, the days are getting brighter, and yet…my mood isn’t. The last month or so has been a real struggle, in fact. No matter how many ways I try and turn my day around, nothing seems to be working.
And I think I know why.

My experience on antidepressants

I’ve been on Sertraline, an antidepressant mostly sold under the brand Zoloft, for exactly two years, as of today. It’s been a weird two years. Sertraline has made me gain weight (a lot); it has given me the shakes (specifically in my legs); it has made me feel hot all the time; it has made sleep almost impossible, some nights.
It has stopped me finding excuses to yell at the people I love most; it has stopped me needing to cry at the slightest little thing; it has made me more tolerant. Up until this month, it might have even made me feel as close to normal as I ever have.

And yet, I am not okay

Things aren’t great, right now. My head feels like cotton wool, I had an unmistakable urge to cry at my desk this afternoon (for no reason, at all), I miss sleeping, and the weight gain has driven me up the bloody wall.
I’m trying desperately to get a doctor’s appointment so I can discuss taking a new ‘happy pill’, or upping my dose, or anything that might improve how I feel.
Am I okay? No.
Am I a million miles better than I was two years ago? Yes.
Have I given up hope? Never

…and maybe that steady improvement, that shudder I feel when I think back to how I used to be, is enough, for now.
I’m so far from perfect, so far from okay, so far from where I’d like to be…but for now, I am getting better, and that’s all I need.

Sorry for the ramble.

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